The mascot known as "Jack in the Box" was beheaded today by members of The King's Guard after attempting to molest his highness in a public restroom at a popular mall. The King was accosted while leaving his stall because "Jack" tapped his foot from the adjacent stall. The King's Guard acted swiftly and deftly to protect their monarch. The Guard's commander stated that the issue was around the King's safety, not any sexual preference of the would be attacker, adding quickly, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" The king is said to be resting comfortably after his almost 7 years of celebacy.
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